6 Tips To Feel Confident About Incontinence & Intimacy

How do I date while being incontinent? How can I be intimate with incontinence?

Sex feels like a taboo subject, especially among those of us who feel self-conscious about being incontinent. We have a few ways that can help boost your confidence in the bedroom!

1. Talk To Your Partner Before

This is easily the most important step. A big part of being intimate with someone is letting them know the MOST intimate parts about you – and that includes your incontinence.

Transparency allows your partner to set realistic expectations, discuss comfort levels, and have a deeper understanding. It’s also a good opportunity to help them kick any potential ick factors – and remind them that urine is pretty sterile!

2. Work On Strengthening

In some cases, you can improve your bladder control by strengthening your pelvic muscles. This means – you guessed it! – exercising.

Try implementing these pelvic strengthening moves; however, please remember that not all exercises will work for everyone. It’s important to exhibit caution when testing which exercises your body can handle.

Here are a few pelvic floor exercises you can try as you get started:

• Kegels – Contract these muscles for 3-5 seconds, then relax for the same amount of time. Repeat 10-15 times, 3 times a day. Breathe normally.
• Bridges – Lie on your back (with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor). Squeeze those pelvic floor muscles and lift your hips up. Hold for a few seconds before lowering down, slowly. Repeat 10-15 times, 2-3 sets.
• Squats – Stand with feet shoulder-width apart and lower into a squat while engaging your pelvic muscles. Return to start position and repeat 10-15 reps, 2-3 sets.
• Pelvic Tilts – Lie on your back (with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor). Tighten your pelvic muscles and tilt your pelvis slightly upward. Hold for a few seconds, then lower to release. Repeat 10-15 times.
• Heel Slides – Lie on your back (with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor). Engage your core as you slide one heel along the floor, then return it. Switch legs and repeat 10-15 times.

For more information on pelvic strengthening exercises, check out this other blog post.

3. Be Prepared & Relieve Anxiety

The best way to set the mood and enjoy yourselves? Prepare for a potential leak ahead of time.

Your partner might not wear a cape and tights (Or maybe they do! We don’t know what you two get up to in the bedroom…) but it will feel like a superhero moment when they whip out a towel to absorb a leak right away.

Keep something nearby to absorb any potential leaks such as a towel or a clean diaper. Also, lay a protective pad underneath you or use a discreet mattress protector for added protection.

Don’t be afraid to embrace the humorous parts of the situation because funny is sexy too!

But if you are feeling self-conscious, consider using massage oils or water-based lube… then how will you know what that wet stain on your sheets is?

While we’re on the subject of leaks, why not light a candle? This is great for setting the mood AND concealing any odors, so you can quit stressing and enjoy yourself.

4. Don’t Skip Hydration

Yup, we’re talking about the single most important thing we need to survive – water. Drink some beforehand.

This advice might seem counterintuitive considering we’re trying to avoid leaks, but the fact is hydration is an essential part of what makes everything run smoothly during sex. Water is necessary for proper blood flow, as well as the signaling between your brain reproductive organs. Basically, it works to support your libido (and, yup, we are also referring to erections).

While hydration is important for sexual performance, it’s equally important to avoid items that can trigger bladder irritations such as caffeine, alcohol, and acidic or spicy foods.

• Caffeine (i.e. coffee, tea, chocolate) can increase incontinence and the urgency/frequency of urination.
• Alcohol (i.e. beer, wine, liquor) irritates the bladder and disrupts signals to your brain that warn you about bladder overflow – also increasing the chance of a leak.
• Acidic items include citrus (i.e. oranges, lemons) and tomato products (i.e. pasta or pizza sauce, ketchup, salsa). These can irritate your bladder, especially if you have overactive bladder syndrome.
• Spicy foods (i.e. spicy peppers/sauces) can burn your lips and make your eyes water but according to the Urology Care Foundation, they can also irritate your bladder. However, everyone reacts to foods differently, so it’s a good idea to experiment with which ones affect you well ahead of time. Then you know what your body can handle!

5. Sex With Incontinence

As always, practicing safe sex goes beyond the use of condoms, birth control, or some form of protection. Safe sex also means having someone’s consent. If they say no or change their mind, be understanding and respectful of their choice – even if this isn’t what you want.

Next, plan sex around a bowel movement or urine void to minimize the chance of it occurring during sex. Your doctor might even suggest you try double voiding. (If you have a catheter, please speak with your doctor beforehand.)

Don’t forget to wash up prior to getting physical. This can avoid possible infections for you and your partner, and it can be as simple as using wet wipes or taking a quick shower.

During sex, you might notice that some positions offer more control over your pelvic muscles than others. For example, missionary position or dropping down on all fours can place extra pressure on your bladder which can increase the chance of leaks.

Want to try a new position that works with your incontinence? Lay down with pillows supporting your lower back. This repositions your bladder and raises your pelvis to reduce pressure and minimize the chance of a leak.

Most importantly, great sex is wet and messy – minor leaks aren't likely to be noticed anyway. But if you want to conceal any potential leak, try hopping in the shower for shower sex (just be careful - it’s slippery!).

6. Enjoy Yourself

Intimacy does not necessarily mean intercourse. It's what brings you closer and includes: 

• Cuddling
• Holding hands
• Sitting close
• Kissing

This moment is about you and your partner, so enjoy the time you two spend together in whatever form of intimacy you choose. These are the moments worth sharing!

From all of us at Incontrol, we hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!